Right now I’m really busy in Boston. Most likely doing something inappropriate with a statue of one of our forefathers. So I paid Paige (from Just PMSing) $7 in Subway giftcards to keep you entertained. Actually that’s not true because she refused to accept it. But I tried.

So sit back, relax, and fasten your adult diaper because Paige is about to make you pee yourself. You’re welcome.

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Hi. Natalie is in Boston, probably drinking right at this moment (It doesn’t matter when you read that statement because it’s probably true at anytime). So she appointed me as her substitute teacher. I’m Paige Skinner and if you like what you read here, you can read more idiotic things at justpmsing.blogspot.com.

If you’ve ever questioned a man’s sexuality, then I’ve had a crush on him.

No doubt. There is not question about it. I love my men feminine.

“I’m never going to have grandchildren because you like gay guys.” –my father

Ryan Seacrest? Oh, yes.

Derek Hough? Hello.

One Direction? All of them. Yes, give them to me.

Seth Meyers? What is up.

Scott Disick and his tinted moisturizer? I’m not mad.

Nothing gets me more hot and bothered than a man who doesn’t know how to change a tire or unclog a sink.

And it doesn’t help that my gaydar is really off. Like, really off.

“I met the cutest guy today!” –me

“Oh, yeah? What was his boyfriend’s name?” –my father

And usually my father isn’t wrong. I will be having a conversation with a man centered around things that should be warning signs, like my outfit or what Lindsay Lohan did last night, and then someone will kindly whisper in my ear, “Paige, he’s gay.”

“You like them a little light in the loafers.” –my father

LIKE, WHY. Why do bad things happen to good girls who like her men slightly feminine?

And even if in the off- and beautiful-chance that they’re not gay, everyone still thinks they are.

I.E. Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh. There’s not a day that goes by where I’m not defending Daniel and his OBVIOUS love for women.

You know that episode of Sex and the City where they can’t decide if Charlotte’s love interest is a gay straight guy or a straight gay guy? THAT IS MY LIFE AND IT’S HARD. Do you even know what episode I’m talking about? Ugh, I found it on YouTube for you.

(Skip through the Miranda and her hairplugs boyfriend part.)

Have you ever seen the music video for Call Me Maybe? Watch it and sympathize with Carly and me.

The other night I was out with a few friends dancing and drinking (I should probably note that this bar was a gay bar). I laid eyes on the most gorgeous man who was a cross between Harry Styles and Nate Berkus.

My eyes began watering (my eyes always water when I see a really attractive male, so my first year of college was fun. “NO, I’m not crying, he’s just hot”).

ANYWAY, I went up to him and my exact words were, “I just want to tell you you’re the most gorgeous thing in this place.”

The sound that came out of his voice was like no other.

He sounded like a little girl.

I was like ok. If for a second I had forgotten that you aren’t into me and will never be into me, I know now.

You are gay and you will never love me, but I will love your forever. The entire night I just tried to dance next to him and look as good as him doing it because I loved him so much. But he instead kept dancing away from the strange, straight, white girl.

Feminine men, stop teasing me and just love me.

——————-

(Don’t forget, if you like what you read here, you can read more idiotic things at justpmsing.blogspot.com.)

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Remember when I went to New York last fall and didn’t ever get around to telling you about it?

That definitely won’t be happening this time.

Hi. I don’t travel a lot, so I still think plane wing on cloud pictures are cool. THEY ARE COOL.

You’re going to be so damn sick of me by the time this trip is done, you’re gonna be like, “OK GOD WE GET IT YOU’RE IN BOSTON WE KNOW WE KNOW OHMYGOD UNSUBSCRIBE!” I mean, hopefully not. But probably.

So HI and HELLO from 32000 feet. Did you guys know that Southwest has gate to gate wifi for eight bucks? No, they didn’t pay me to say that. HA. I wish. Well I was born a million years ago and I had no idea about in-flight wifi. So I’m pretty excited about it.

This morning Alli poured me a big cup of coffee that tasted like a cinnabon, and then dropped me off at the airport where I made her take a “HI MOM!” picture of me like it was my first plane ride ever.

I flew Southwest which was essentially like being trapped in a really tragic stand up comedy act for four hours. More on that in a minute, I swear. I wouldn’t leave you hanging like that.

The first leg of my flight took me from Dallas to Kansas City. It was just a little over an hour, but I boarded really late, so I was stuck between two giant guys. I don’t know about you but I’ve found it increasingly difficult and/or awkward to blog and/or take a selfie while wedged in between two strangers. But I have exceptional work ethic, so I made do. And LOOK AT ME BLOGGING MID-AIR! It’s the adult equivalent of, “Look Mom no hands!” Except I paid for it.

Then I cozied up with my kindle and officially finished The Bloggess book. I said a silent prayer that my seatmates were as self-involved as I am and wouldn’t notice the giant and wildly inappropriately titled chapters.

Everybody knows the best part of any flight is when they come around and offer you something to drink in the teeny tiny cups that could also serve as a SHOT glass. But I like free stuff, so I accepted my ounce and a half of free Dr. Pepper and spent the rest of the flight wishing it wasn’t 8am so that I could order a Tanqueray and tonic sans judgmental glances.

Once we landed in Kansas City, 90% of the plane de-boarded (Is that a word? Auto-correct says no. Natalie says YES.) while the other five of us stayed on to head to Boston and I got to stretch out. It was totally magical for all of fifteen minutes.

I also got to slide from my middle seat over to the window. The freedom to open and close the window as you please is totally empowering. Plus I had some time to take a decent selfie.

THANK GOD I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL DAY.

And then the flight attendant walked by and I got shy.

The flight from Kansas City to Boston was good – BUT, I got stuck next to that guy. You know. The international traveler who reeks of BO? Yes, that guy. It’s okay. Someone has to sit beside him. Today it was me. It’s fine. I’m fine.

What wasn’t fine was when he started getting chatty with me. Really sir? Do you not know how this works? We both sit here quietly absorbed in our books or ipads or kindles or computers and pretend the other one doesn’t exist. Don’t you understand plane etiquette at all? I wanted to take his picture, to internet shame this man who had the nerve to strike up a conversation with me, but I didn’t. It’s called decency, people.

But those Southwest flight attendants? They are all on crack.

Or whatever drug makes you goofy and eliminates your filter. I don’t know a lot about crack so insert your own drug knowledge here. Here are real, actual, unaltered words that came out of the flight attendants mouth, over the speaker, mid-turbulence.

“Ladies and gentlemen the pilots want me to sit down because it’s bumpy because we are going over some weather and if it’s too dangerous for me to be up it’s too dangerous for you to be up.”

Just like that. No pauses. No breaths. Just one long run on sentence of absolute nonsense.

First of all - Weather ma’m? Weather? Weather is what’s happening outside. We are in a constant “going through weather” state. WE CAN’T ESCAPE THE WEATHER NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY SO YOUR CHOICE OF WORDS IS STUPID.

Second of all – If I am neither a lady (you should see the way I get out of a car in a skirt) nor a gentleman (the no penis thing) – does this apply to me? Think about it. Let me know. And while you’re thinking about it, toss me some more free pretzels.

We survived the turbulence and landed and I imediately got on Instagram (duh) and the very first thing I saw was this and my first thought was DEAR GOD HOW LONG WAS THAT FLIGHT?!

OHMYGOD Y’ALL. OHMYGOD. Just let that marinate for a minute. They certainly did.

And then once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I got off the plane (where did we land on deciding if de-board was a word?) and now I’m just hanging out in the airport, in a rocking chair. NO BIG DEAL.

Boston – you rock.

LOVE&HUGS,

Nat

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  • I really hope you said “you rock” BECAUSE of the rocking chairs. Of course you did. I don’t know why I felt the need to point it out. I sincerely appreciate how you are able to turn a story about your flight from TX to Boston so entertaining. THANKS.ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      Hahahahahahaha. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt. OF COURSE I DID. And also thanks for pointing out that this entire post really consisted of absolutely nothing.ReplyCancel

  • I live in Boston and love it! What are you visiting here for? Hope you have a great trip!ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      Just a getaway! I went in high school and loved it and am back for more!ReplyCancel

  • Mallory

    SERIOUSLY! 8 weeks and she is prego! SPEECHLESS. Have fun in Boston, I want to go one day!ReplyCancel

  • Britni Ramsey

    First, where were you on all my flights!? Second Deboard is totally a word and I use it all the time. Also can we talk about when you do get your shot glass of (my choice) ginger ale, how I like to sip it because I want to soak up every ounce of goodness. The problem then happens when you’re sipping in your goodness and the flight attendant comes back by with the trash bag and you can’t throw it back in one gulp, therefore forcing you to throw it back because she won’t be back by for another 30 minutes and you don’t want to have to hold onto your trash for that long!!

    Sigh… I could go in for days.
    Enjoy Boston :) nice scarf btw ;) ReplyCancel

  • A) Your sandals are amazing and you should probably just send them to me now. You know my address already, its the same. Sidenote: Sometimes I genuinely think that when I compliment people on things they will give them to me.In my head it works a little something like this: Me: “I love your watch, Ma’am!” (No I don’t actually call people ma’am) Lady: “Oh, really, this old thing? I don’t even really like it that much, here, have it!” But alas, this has not happened to me yet. But actually, I need the sandals, where they from lady?
    B) Deplaning is the word you’re looking for. ;) Not that your invented word isn’t oodles more fun.ReplyCancel

  • love your sandals and scarf!ReplyCancel

This creamer is my life right now.

Saved by the Bell is on Netflix and it’s a REALLY BIG FREAKING DEAL PEOPLE.

I was too busy packing this morning to worry about silly things like pre-sunrise runs and avoiding heat stroke. So in anticipation of all the Boston cannolis and lobster rolls, I forced myself to run after work at 5 when it was ONE THOUSAND DEGREES and I honest to God don’t even know why I’m smiling.

An evening 5k and I can promise you that’s the last time I run during daylight EVER. Or at least until Summer is over.

I  had just enough time for a re-run of That 70′s Show and a split bowl of Reese’s Puffs with Taylor. Because dry cereal is essentially candy.

After snack time, Taylor loaded up my bags and I headed to Dallas for a date night with this girl who is oh so kindly taking me to the airport at the ass-crack of dawn. Can she get a round of applause please y’all?

She took me to Crisp for a delicious Cobb salad and over to Steel City Pops for dessert. I made a bad decision and ordered chocolate when I really should’ve gone with my gut and gotten the strawberry cream. Rookie mistake.

Every time I come to visit Alli, Bailey is always all up in my bid-ness but I know it’s just because she loves me and really wants to be best friends. Cause like – that face.

Oh and also – she bought a BOAT. Alli, that is. Not Bailey. She (Bailey) is in no position to be making any large purchases right now. Alli, however, is in great financial standing and knows a good Craiglist deal when she sees one, so the boat makes more sense for her.

She’s currently redoing it and as soon as she’s done spiffing it up she’s going to take me on all kinds of adventures a la Huck Finn.

And now despite Bailey trying to fit in my carry on, I’m packed and ready to GO!

See you in Boston!

LOVE&HUGS,

Nat

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Taylor Swift released a new song today.

I had no idea this was going to happen which is embarrassing because I consider myself to be a HUGE T-Swift fan. I mean, I love Taylor Swift. I LOVE HER. We all do. And if you say you don’t, it’s okay. We know you’re lying.

TAYLOR YOU ARE ADORABLE.

I just watched the music video while putting off packing and when it was over Taylor goes, “So you liked that song?” To which I responded,

“It’s Taylor Swift you moron. I WAS DESTINED TO LIKE THAT SONG.”

So basically this is just a PSA in case you missed it like me. And also one more T-Swift gif for good measure.

I leave for Boston first thing Wednesday morning, and I won’t be home tomorrow night. Which meant that tonight I had/have to do ALL THE THINGS. I have no idea whether to pick past or future tense because who REALLY knows how much I’ll have accomplished by the time I click “publish.”

“ALL THE THINGS” includes but is not limited to:

Laundry

Packing

Mopping 

For the first time since I’ve moved into this apartment. Which was March. I know. I’m disgusting. But so is Taylor so at least we are in good company.

(binge) Watching My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.

Because THIS WILL NEVER STOP BEING INCREDIBLE.

And last but not least , squeezing in some quality time with my husband so he doesn’t forget about and/or replace me with someone who actually cooks and cleans and do all the other wifely shit that I’m unfamiliar with.

Since there’s basically nothing going on in this post, I’d also like to take this opportunity to ask Facebook WHY IT THINKS I NEED AN OVULATION CALENDAR.

Thanks a heap Facebook. However, when the time for babies comes (734 years from now) you probably won’t be involved in the conception process. Probably.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

LOVE&HUGS,

Nat

 

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  • The new T. Swift song basically made my life. T really knows how to be the bright spot in an otherwise dull and gloomy Monday. I’m probably the biggest T. Swift fan. Just saying.ReplyCancel

  • I think Taylor is really hard not to like! She’s down the earth and I want to be friends with her.ReplyCancel

  • I listened this morning. I am not sure I like it. (hangs head)

    I will try it again. I think I might prefer country T-Swizzle over pop.ReplyCancel

  • Ummmm I only just heard about this early this morning, I freaking love Taylor Swift. I didn’t for a long time, I thought she was a mediocre singer at best, but then I got a ticket to her concert from work and she was surprisingly SO GOOD live. Like, her pitch, her tone, her vocal strength, everything. It was awesome, and all of that is really hard to do live. Moral of the story: she won me over that night and I love her now.ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      Well I loved her ever since her curly haired Tim McGraw days. #shameless but I’ve had this song on repeat for the past 24 hours and I’m not mad about it.ReplyCancel

  • Hahha facebook is ridiculous! It creeps me out when there are ads of stuff I have just searched for in google. I heard the new song yesterday on the radio! I need to listen again, but I think I liked it! (It usually takes me a few times of hearing a song to decide…but you’re right, its Taylor Swift so of course I’ll like it:))ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      IT IS SO CATCHY. I have it on constant repeat.ReplyCancel

  • I just watched the video. I had no idea! I love it! Thanks for keeping me up on T-Swift!ReplyCancel

Dear MyFitnessPal -

I don’t understand what the problem is here.

OK WHATEVER.

Friday couldn’t have come soon enough and I chose to spend my night cozying up to my husband and a $9 bottle of reisling marked “NOW 33% MORE!”

Um, yes. Yes, please.

Saturday morning I met my sweet friend and bride-to-be Madysen for fun bridesmaids duties – dress shopping!

And it wouldn’t have been a real party without the MOTB, my favorite Barb. When I told her we had to take a selfie, she literally said, “YES! I feel so special when I make it on the blog. Or my house. Or my lawn!”

 

After dress shopping, we figured the best idea would be to continue the girly-ness of the day with pedicures. And wine. More wine.

And I splurged on a manicure too, cause BOSTON IS IN THREE DAYS.

I had big plans to go home and take a nap to recover from my EXHAUSTING morning but then I got really distracted because did you know that Gypsy Weddings are the most interesting thing EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD?

Yes, this is actual real life and this girl is fourteen and I think that’s really all I have to say about that.

We had plans to meet up with Jordan and Morgan for dinner so I pre-gamed with Michelob and the gypsies.

 

We met them at Rodeo Goat for a healthy and well rounded dinner.

Oh whoops sorry that was a lie. It was fatty and delicious and very American.

I have so many strong feelings about this burger (which if you remember is what I enjoyed for my surprise birthday dinner). Whiskey cheddar, candied bacon, blackberry compote, and the greatest whole grain mustard you’ve ever had in your whole life and OHMYGOD my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

After all the gluttony, we walked down the street to movie tavern to see Let’s Be Cops.

IT.WAS.HYSTERICAL.

If you love New Girl, you will LOVE this movie. We laughed through the entire thing. We didn’t get out of the movies until after 12, so we didn’t get home and in bed until 1. And you people know how I feel about late nights. #NOTAFAN

So I didn’t have any trouble sleeping until 9:30 this morning. Luckily I woke up when Lindsay texted me, and I headed out to our blogging brunch date. Two dates in a week soooooo things are getting pretty serious.

Bet you didn’t know that leopard print scarves are the official blogger brunching uniform. It’s true. Totally true.

Lindsay dragged me to Nordstrom Rack and Charming Charlie and practically forced me to buy ALL the things. But I’m officially ready for Boston so I guess I forgive her.

When I got home, Taylor had vacuumed the ENTIRE HOUSE so I thanked him by being a good housewife and ordering pizza for dinner. I think I might be doing this wrong.

And now I’m trying really really hard to pump myself up for Monday. Only two more work days until I’m on a plane headed to Boston with this girl!

LOVE&HUGS,

Nat

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  • MFP needs to get with the emojis! It’s only hip of them to do so. :) ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      Haha, I know right! They didn’t accept beer or ice cream either!ReplyCancel

  • Heather

    That burger sounds/looks amazeballs! I need one!!!ReplyCancel

    • natalie

      Honest to God – it’s the greatest thing EVER. I want to recreate it at home but I just know I won’t even be able to come close.ReplyCancel

  • Oh hey thanks for telling me I looked straight-up crazy in that picture. Note to self: no more face-enlarging expressions. I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME IN BOSTON WITH YOUR CUTE NEW CLOTHES AND JEWELRY AND SCARVES.ReplyCancel

  • Ahhh you’re going to be up in my neck of the woods! :) I hope you enjoy Boston!!! I can’t wait to read your posts about it!ReplyCancel

  • I love all the wine in this post! I also love Charming Charlie and wish we had one in Baltimore. I think the closest one is like an hour away. Have fun in Boston!ReplyCancel